Les Beehive – Lucky Ladybug by Bo Abeille
I have a spiritual connection to ladybugs. From March-November, I’m on the lookout for the pretty little dappled creatures, even though they never find me when I’m looking. It’s always when I’m immersed in thought or a conversation with Su that I’ll spot one. I always seem to see one when events in my life feel askew, I must be subconsciously looking for signs.
My desire for signs comes less from a spiritual place (though I use that word because I like the sound of it) than a place inside me that’s messy with nerves and paranoia. Searching for signs soothes me. I hear George Harrison on the radio during a particularly bad day and I tell myself that George’s spirit is sending me a message; I find a ladybug on a fence post and the world is communicating with me. Searching for signs slows me down, takes me out of my head; it reminds me to express all the thoughts cluttered up inside, and if I do, I’ll feel better.
This thought process runs into snags though: when my left wrist hurts I’m positive something terrible is going to happen, if I see a dead bird I think it’s a dark omen, I don’t let myself imagine the things that I want because I believe seeing them in my head will snatch them from my reality. This is my mind processing the outside world as a place that only interacts with me. No bird dies unless intended to warn me of impending evil, if my wrist hurts on a bad day it only confirms the paranoid thought birthed when I was 12 and my wrist hurt on a bad day. That’s 15 years of letting an aching limb control my reactions and interactions.
This is how I try to rationalize these little superstitions: every omen, good and bad, forces me to interact with the world, and to actualize my emotions. What is frightening me? What is causing me to fret? I turn the signs into a rational thought process, and they serve as a therapy.
I’m still relatively positive that George is speaking to me when I hear My Sweet Lord on the radio though. I mean, that’s just science.